A man walks into an antique store in San Francisco. The place specializes in brass artifacts. The man notices a large, brass rat on a shelf. He is taken with the look of the rat and asks the shop keeper how much it costs. The store keeper replies that the rat itself is $50 but the story that goes with the rat is $1,000.
The man elects to pay the $50 and takes the rat.
Soon after leaving the store, the man hears squeaking behind him. He turns and looks down at the sidewalk. He sees three large rats following him. The man thinks little of it, and walks a bit further. He hears more squeaking. He looks behind him and sees about a dozen rats following. He starts to get concerned. He quickens his step. In a block he turns to check behind him and now sees at least 200 rats following him. The man starts to run. As he gets close to the foot of Market Street, he turns and sees thousands, maybe tens of thousands, of rats pursuing him. He sprints to the ferry landing, and panicked, he throws the brass rat into the bay. Miraculously all of the rats follow the brass rat into the water. They all drown and die.
Shaken, the man returns to the antique store. The store keeper asks, "Ah ha, now you're back for the story behind the rat?"
The man replies "Not at all. But I would like to buy a brass lawyer."
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."
The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."
According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated:
“Wash. Biol. Surv.”
The agency changed the inscription after receiving the following letter from an Arkansas camper:
"Dear Sirs:
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."
The bands are now marked:
“Fish and Wildlife Service”
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
"Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here."
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.00!
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied: "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1997 Ferrari GTO. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A 1997 Ferrari GTO. They cost about a half million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 200 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?" Sure," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 200 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself.
Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror!
Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man moans and replies, "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"
A college graduate applied for a job as an industrial spy. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor.
As soon as the young man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the packet. Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor."
A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart and after careful consideration, he decided on a pair of gloves.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping the items got mixed up. The sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents he sealed the package and sent it with a note:
Dearest Darling,
This is a little gift to show you I have not forgotten your birthday.
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your little sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easy to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on and she really looked smart.
I wish I could put them on you for the first time. No doubt other men's hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink. I hope you will like them, and wear them for me on Friday night.
All my love
P.S.
Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year.
Also, the latest style is to wear them folded down with the fur showing.
A 7-year old child was drawing a picture of the Nativity. The picture was very good, including Mary, Joseph and, of course, baby Jesus.
However, there was a fat man standing in the corner of the stable, that just did not seem to fit in. When the child was asked about it, she replied, "Oh, That's Round John Virgin."
As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas ?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"