The Night Before Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas, and God was it neat.
The kids were both gone and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Mom in her teddy, and I in the nude,
had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry
That I lost my boner and momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon was so bright that it lit up the yard
The place was a mess, something hit real hard
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
But a crooked old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled
A sock in his ear and a bra on his head
Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa Shitheat, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz
Fuckin' slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts
Over the lamp post and don't hit that tree
Quit shakin' the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub
Just a Santa leaned out and threw up in the shrub
And then from the roof came a hell of a splatter
As each little reindeer emptied his bladder
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass
When down through the chimney he came with a crash
His suit was all soaking with perfume galore
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore
"That was some cathouse", he said with a smile.
"The reindeer are pooped, so I'll hang for a while"
He walked to the kitchen and poured up a drink
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack
But all his toys were gone, and some new things were packed
The first thing he found was a black leather whip
Next were some X-rated video clips
A box full of condoms were Santa's next find
And a six pack of panties, the edible kind
A bra without nipples, a penis extension
And boxes of goodies I won't even mention
A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa would shit"
"If you don't mind, I'll leave it all when I split"
He filled every stocking, and then took his leave
with a tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead
And he fell to his buttocks and broke wind instead
He cursed and got up and climbed into his hitch
"Let's go ya varmints, the night's been a bitch!"
The shuddering lurch slammed him back in his chair
And he let out a belch as they took to the air
Bending the lamp post and raking the tree
He bounced off a rooftop and finally got free
"I'm comin' home, woman!" he said with a smirk.
"So grab both your ankles and pull up your skirt!!"